Can I just blame violetdawn? What else are bearers of bad news for after all?

It was August 9, 1995. I was working a pretty pointless job at Microsoft, screening those not worthy to receive official Microsoft tech support away from the employees. Karen was working that job too and we were starting to become friends. Before work started that day, she had some news for me.

"Someone in the Grateful Dead died."

"Not Jerry right?"

"No."

"Bobby?"

"No."

We cycled through the whole band (I ended with, "Tell me it was Vince."), getting a no to each name. I started over again.

"Was it Jerry?"

"Oh yeah, I think it was."

With a confirmation like that, I managed to spend the entire day in blissful denial. I tried to send some email confirmations to people but the Microsoft mail interface wasn't working well so they didn't get their mails until the next day. When I finally got off work, I turned on the radio in my car and tuned it to the classic rock station. They weren't playing the Dead so I figured it had to be fake. I switched to NPR for the drive home.

All Things Considered was playing "Sugaree." It was real. I switched my answering machine to the Dead Set version of "Brokedown Palace," and went down to the vigil at Seattle Center.

As much as I wish I had happier news today, I have to admit that I'm fortunate that I got to see his music at all. Jerry nearly died in 86 after all, when I was still oblivious to his existence. Fortunately he managed to hang on, and the Jerry that I knew was created.

Many people fell in love with the electric playing of the 68-70 period or the coke fueled energy of the late 70s, but I have to confess that my favorite Jerry was the one from the 80s and 90s. Yes, he stumbled his way through songs a lot, but when he sang, it was like he had something incredibly important to tell us. Those late second set ballads were stunning. Sometimes they might have been the only saving grace of the show, but no one else has ever spoken to me like that. My favorite guitarist and favorite singer were wrapped up in the same package and during a "Morning Dew" or a "So Many Roads" or a "Stella Blue" or a "Brokedown Palace," there was a power that I've never really quite understood.

I'm obviously not alone. Ween - a band that usually writes songs about pissing up ropes - felt it too.

I picked up my things and went outside
the man that i loved, up and died
I couldn't believe after all this time
I never knew the man but he was a good friend of mine
So long, I'll see you down that long, dark river
Floating on that linin' in the sky
I'm lucky,
Lucky enough to have heard you play your song
So long, Jerry, so long

We'll always be together
Rollin' down the track
Always and forever
Never lookin' back

Got my guitar and went to the river
Saw a lot o' people just dancin' around
I took off my shirt and jumped in the water
You always flew so high, and now you've finally left the ground
So long, I'll see you down that long, dark river
Floating on that linin'in the sky
I'm lucky, lucky enough to have heard you sing your song

So long, Jerry, so long
So long, Jerry, so long.

Without the Jerry, I don't know what I would be doing right now. So many of my adventures stemmed from seeing them. Almost all of my best friends were people I met from either Dead tour or Phish tour. What I would do to see one more show. What I would do to believe like the characters in Buddy Holly Is Alive and Well on Ganymede that we all would go to a spirit world after death where Jerry would be playing like he did before he got sick. Instead all I can do is sit here and rejoice in what I had. Tonight I'm going to buy the new JGB DVD and watch and remember. You were a great one Jerry. Thank you so much.

Fare thee well
Fare thee well
I love you more than words can tell.
Listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul.

Tags: grateful dead
Current Mood: missing Jerry
Current Music: Ween - So Long Jerry